Emilia Zsuzsanna Rak, Author at OC87 Recovery Diaries googletag.pubads().collapseEmptyDivs(true);

Emilia Zsuzsanna Rak

Emilia Zsuzsanna Rak is a writer and communications specialist based in Little Rock, Arkansas. She has been writing articles on the pursuit of health, wellness, fitness, modeling and an array of issues regarding parenting, family, relationships, domestic violence, abuse and the pursuit of self-esteem both online and in print for nearly ten years. She is returning to school with the goal of becoming an art therapist. She is also working on her memoir, "A Tough Nut To Crack." When asked for a few lines for her bio she wrote: "It's my sincere hope that I will leave this earth a better place than when I came into it. To sum up my feelings I'd like to quote my daughter, Nini. She said to me, ‘Mami, all of our pain and suffering and bad stuff that happened to us wasn't for nothing because some day we're going to help people.’"

Climbing Out of the Rabbit Hole with ECT, DBT & Art Therapy

ect-1

 

This is the third of three essays by Emilia in a series. The artwork in this post is by Emilia. 

 


 

It was during one of my many confinements at “The Hotel California” (my term of endearment for the psychiatric ward at University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences in Little Rock, AR) that I finally I agreed to ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).

This treatment was previously offered to me, but I immediately shut the very notion of it down. What kind of “special crazy” would allow doctors to send electric shocks through their brain in order to induce seizures? However, at this point I was desperate and the controversial treatment seemed like my only hope. My second marriage was on the verge of ending. I convinced myself that my husband would simply be better off if he didn’t have to constantly worry about me.

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Radical Acceptance & Mental Health Recovery

radical acceptance mental health

The second of three essays by Emilia in a series, this post contains descriptions of abuse. The artwork in this post was created by Emilia. 


CRUSHED AND SHATTERED

And then I met my first husband Dick in Apollon Gym in Highland Park, NJ. I was nearly 21 years old and I fell madly in love with him. We were married. I was nearly 23 and he was 29 years old. Yes, I loved him very much. But the root of my decision to marry him was as an avenue to leave the home in which I had been raised without “shaming my family name.” I was desperately eager to begin my own life. This new life would be free from abuse and degradation and constantly mixed signals — “I love you,” while beating me beyond recognition, or calling me a whore because I wanted to attend a university that would require me to live on campus, away from home.

My life was going to be different now that I was away from my “loving abusers.” Little did I realize just how poor a selection I had made when I chose Dick as my life partner. How could I possibly know given my life experiences thus far? Though I took my commitment and my vows extremely seriously, I didn’t realize at the onset that my first marriage would be filled with control in every sense of the word, constant jealous outbursts, baseless accusations, verbal abuse and physical abuse.

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A Mom With PTSD: Journey Down The Rabbit Hole

mom with ptsd

The first of three essays by Emilia in a series, this post contains descriptions of abuse. The artwork in this post was created by Emilia. 

 


 

My name is Emilia. I’m 46 years old. I look perfectly healthy and “normal.” However, I’m actually disabled due to the fact that I struggle with serious and chronic mental health issues.

I wasn’t always this way, though.

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